exercise = an idea patented by satan!!

Can I get an amen here?!

You may laugh and think I'm being highly melodramatic, and maybe I am.  (I like to think it's part of my charm.)  But seriously, I hate to exercise...almost as much as I love to eat food.

Does anybody see the problem that ensues from this love/hate relationship??

I do...every morning when I look in the mirror and see the cellulite staring back at me.  "Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle" the dimples seem to say.  And if it's not the cellulite ogling, it's the love handles cackling.  "HeHeHeHeHe!"  Oh, and don't forget the hips, who definitely don't lie.  I can hear my thighs mock me as they rub together.  "Ohhhhh yeah, that makes ya sexy!"  This unwelcome symphony greets me every morning and echoes loudly throughout my bathroom.

So what's a girl to do?

I tried to exercise...I even did a pilates video and ran on the treadmill at my apartment for 20 whole minutes.  And after minute 2, I was a panting, choking on my own breaths, uncoordinated mess.  I'm that girl that falls off the treadmill with flailing arms cuz I can't keep up with the pace.  Did I mention that I hate to exercise?  I hate the worn out tired feeling, I hate the sweating, I hate the burn (and no, it does not burn so good), I hate the sore feeling for days afterwards.

So I ask again, what's a girl to do?

Make wise choices.  Sounds simple enough, but what does it mean?

1.) For me, I park in BFE.  It takes me a little over 5 minutes to get to my building.  (I know I make it sound like this is a choice...but I'm a new hire and park where they assign.)  I have yet to use a pedometer of sorts to measure the actual distance, but I've come to slightly enjoy the hike.  Especially after work when I feel like it takes me the five minute walk to defrost from the ice box that is our office.  But I digress.

2.) I take the stairs.  I work on the 4th floor and I like to think I get a little bit of a booty workout on my way into work.  (I also live on the 3rd floor...and as much as I'd like to pass these stairs off as a choice, there is no elevator option.)

3.) I will be the first to volunteer to take something to another part of the building, or get up and go talk to someone face to face, rather than dialing their extension.  I used to walk constantly as part of my job description, and quite honestly, I sometimes need a break from sitting at my desk constantly.

4.) Park far away.  Ok, we kind of covered this in #1, but I'm talking even at the grocery store and mall, etc.  Here's my thought: driving around in circles annoys the crap out of me (could never be a race car driver....they don't go anywhere!) and wastes time.  Just pull into an open spot in the back and hike.  And, bonus: hopefully your car won't get all banged up from inconsiderate..... well, you know.

5.) Which brings me to another one.  If you actually use a cart while grocery shopping, WALK IT BACK TO THE CART RETURN!!!  Mostly because it's a huge pet-peeve of mine to come out of the grocery store and some irresponsible, inconsiderate jerk has let their cart roll into my beautiful new car.  (Yes, I get a little riled up...you should see me in rush hour.)

6.) I use a hand-held grocery basket.  This has dual purpose for me.  One, I'd like to think that it keeps my grocery shopping budget kind of under control.  (You have no idea the amount of money I spend on groceries every week....it's ludicrous!  ...If only Ludacris had something to do with my grocery shopping experience.  Ohhh, but I have digressed again...)  I feel like I can fit less items in that type of basket and therefore will spend less.  It works some of the time.  The other part of the time, you'll see me bending over to pick up the things that are falling out of the basket and carrying others that won't fit in the basket under my arms.  I really and truly am quite a spectacle at the grocery store.  It's no wonder all the poor stocker boys are always asking me if I'm lost or need help with something.  And....do a drum roll for reason number 2 behind the hand held basket: It's like my own personal weights!  As I walk around the grocery store, I am forced to carry my loot.  I bend over with it and lift it up high when I'm reaching on the top shelf for something.  (Grocery stores are not made for the female of average height...but that's a whole other bunny trail that we won't venture down today...)  I carry that basket around, grunting at the physical exertion (ok, so my basket gets a lil heavy) of hauling it up one aisle and down the next.  Next time you're in the grocery store and you debate between cart or basket - think of me doing aerobics down the aisles.  If nothing else, it may put a smile on your face.  :o)

7.)  Wooooo, that last one was a doozy.  I got a lil peeasssshionate about it.  Deal with it.  This one is not as near and dear to my heart, so it won't take nearly as long.  I try to carry my groceries out to my car.  I don't need no stinkin' cart!!  I am woman....  yeah, yeah, yeah.  I also haul my groceries up my three flights of stairs...but that's not really by choice.

8.) Ok, we can leave the grocery store...for a moment.  Gosh, I love the grocery store.  Sometimes, I wonder why I never worked at one as an adolescent.  It's probably because God knew that I was going to grow up and grocery shopping would be my stress reliever.  Yes folks, it's true.  I think I may be addicted to the grocery store.  But like I said, we're moving on...for now.  #8 is a good one.  How many of you drive to get your mail?  It's only a little pathetic if you live in an apartment complex.  It's only really pathetic if you have a house and you drive down your driveway to your mailbox.  Raise your hand if that's you...ok, put 'em down!  How embarassing!!!  So I started walking from the apartment to get the mail.  Yes, I sometimes cut through the grassy knoll to get there, but it's still a walk.  I count it.  I also walk from the apartment to turn in the rent check.  Yes, I know it's once a month, but it's better than none a month, don'tcha think?

9.)  Sit-ups during sitcoms.  Yes, you read correctly.  But hear me out on this.  First off, I only watch things that are DVR'd; commercials annoy me.  So it only ends up being about 22 minutes of a 30 minute show.  And people, let's not get crazy...it's not 22 minutes of continual ab-annihilation.  I take time to breathe and relax.  Oh, and I am not religious about this.  I usually only do it when I'm by myself.  Something about having the boyfriend sitting on the couch watching me when I could be cuddled up next to his gorgeous self just doesn't calculate.  Believe me, there's ample cuddlage.

10.) Yes, ten was my goal.  I like to round things out...unless it's my body-that I don't want round.  This last one is good:  find something active you enjoy doing.  Whether it be swimming, biking, dancing, walking and talking with friends, playing the wii, just get up and move.  I like roller-blading and going bowling.  Dorky as they may be.  But I enjoy them.  My goal in the next few weeks is to get out and do both.  I'll update ya on my progress.

So maybe not all exercise is directly from satan.  Maybe we can find a compromise in there somewhere.

I'd like to leave you with one of the best exercise quotes ever.  Seriously, in the history of all time.  And it goes a little something like this:

"Exercise gives you endorphins--endorphins make you happy.  And happy people just don't shoot their husbands...they just don't."

So, get up this week and make some good choices!!






[side note: No, my body does not really talk to me.  No, I do not really hear voices.  No, my self-esteem is not really that low.  Just took some artistic license and hoped to get a couple of laughs.]